Friday, February 26, 2021

Girl Drama!

Girl Drama! 



"Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things.  Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!  And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell." (James 3:5-6)

One morning in 1984 or so, I walked into my Christian school building, ready to see my friends and begin another day in 6th grade.  Suddenly, I saw a group of girls rush towards me with indignant, almost hostile, looks on their faces.  I had my saxophone with me for my weekly lesson, and I remember swinging it in front of me as if to prevent them from getting too close.  My crime?  Daring to be friends with another girl in the class.  My "best friend" that year had gotten jealous and apparently pulled some other girls into thinking I had done her wrong.  I learned from another girl in our class that Margie had pulled the same kind of thing the previous year when she had been best friends with the girl who told me.  Such began my intense dislike of girl drama.  Because girl drama = nonsense.

Very recently, my daughter had her first foray into girl drama.  Like me, she was pulled into it innocently.  While I hate that she was put into this situation, it did offer some teaching moments.

1.  If you're not part of the problem or part of the solution, stay out of it.

Don't get caught up in the middle of somebody else's relationship issues.  Don't tattle; but do tell an adult if you have a reason to believe an adult should get involved.  This might be for potential abuse or some kind of "big" sin.

2.  Gossip harms more than it ever does good.
Gossip is like a fire.  The more fuel is added to it, the more it will burn and the more damage it will do.  Avoid it!  Stamp it out!  Cut off the fuel!

If you find that someone is talking negatively about someone you know when that person is not there, it's not fair that they cannot defend themselves.  Usually, when a person feels free to gossip about someone you both know, they will feel free to gossip about YOU when you're not around.  If trying to change the subject doesn't work, withdraw from the conversation.  Tell your daughter she can use as the "bad guy" as in "Oh!  I have to go - my mom told me to xyz."

Also, if you have said anything about the person who is not there, don't be surprised if they find out you've been "talking about them behind their back" and are hurt by it.  Even if you meant to try to do good in the conversation, it can cause hurt feelings and a potentially damaged relationship.  Damaged relationships mean that you lose the influence you could have had with that person.

3.  Girls from ages 11 or so all the way up have a tendency to get caught up in dramatic situations. 

Part of that might be because we are emotional creatures.  Another part of that is because we are human and humans like a good, juicy story.  It takes careful thinking to analyze whether or not you should be involved in the latest brouhaha.  Usually, you shouldn't.

4.  Unless you are truly part of the situation, you probably only see a small slice of the picture. 

Reserve judgment for when you know the whole situation; give grace until you do.

5.  Just because someone says something negative about someone you both know, doesn't mean it's true.

I personally have been in situations where a trusted individual sought to "warn" me about someone else; because I trusted them, I believed them.  However, since that time, I have discovered that they had a prejudiced, unfair, inaccurate view of the other person.  In fact, for five years, I believed the slander; it wasn't until God allowed me to see the genuine goodness of that person, that I realized I was wrong.

6.  If you hear someone talk disparagingly about a situation that you actually do know about and it is quite evident that they do not know the full story (and also do not know that you are a part of it), don't correct them.  Give noncommital responses, if any at all.  Change the subject and keep in mind that people will believe and say anything.

7.  If you find that you are concerned about a situation and don't know what to think or do, find a trusted, wise adult to seek their perspective and advice.

I told my daughter that I do this.  Sometimes, I observe situations that I don't fully understand, and, in my humanness, I want to point fingers and cast judgment.  I have a trusted friend who usually knows a lot more about situations than I do and has much wisdom.  I have gone to her and said, "I don't mean for this to be gossipy at all, but I have observed something that I need a perspective check on."  I'll tell her what I've observed and my thoughts and then she will tell me just enough information (without betraying anyone else's personal life) to help me see where I'm right or wrong.

8.  For Moms:  Encourage your daughter to come to you about anything.

Sometimes there are things that are very difficult to talk about.  I recently read a tip that someone gave in a random comment in a random Facebook post (so random that I don't remember the author or the original post).  I believe the Lord allowed me to see this so that I could implement it with my daughter.  Using the advice given, I took an index card and wrote on it with a thin blue marker:  "Mom, I need to tell you something, but I'm scared and nervous.  Can we talk?"    Also:  "Sure! I will listen carefully and calmly.  Love, Mama"  and I put "I love you!" on the card as well.  I told my daughter to take the card and if she feels a need to tell me something difficult, to show me this card.  I told her that she can tell me anything and I will listen.  I told her that when I was younger I had to have some difficult conversations with Mia (her name for my mother), and I don't remember her ever yelling at me.  Gracie took the card and I don't know what she did with it, but I think it did help her.

9.  Girl drama is one reason why I have been so very against the idea of my daughter having a phone with cell service.

Gracie is too young for such a big responsibility, and there's too much potential for trouble.  She now uses my old phone with wifi only and rarely takes it out of the house.  I have let her text some friends using my phone.  I'm glad I did this because this is how I discovered the recent girl drama and was able to intervene and talk with my daughter about it.  There may come a time when, due to extenuating circumstances, we may have to get cell service for her phone, but in general, I personally don't think a child should have cell service until they are old enough to drive.

10.  When your daughter's friend confides something troubling to her and she tells you about it, use that opportunity to pray together for the friend.

Sometimes, there's not much else you can do; I guarantee you can't go wrong with praying for others.

My daughter lives a relatively sheltered life.  She doesn't go to public school, so she doesn't get involved in all the nonsense like other kids do.  And, yes, I know, that sort of thing happens in Christians schools or private schools, too.  I learned that when I was a student at a Christian school in 6th grade.  People are people everywhere, and young girls will act like young girls.  That's the way life is.  Our job as parents is to teach our daughters what to do when they do face situations like this and to help them get through until they are mature enough to handle things wisely.


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